The Candy You Get In Hell

The Candy You Get In Hell

This Candy El Pecas assortment of candy contained possibly the four worst things I have ever attempted to eat.

1.    Pal Bubble Gum
This is clearly a cheap rip-off of Double Bubble bubble gum.  And how sad is it, to be a cheaper version of Double Bubble?  The color and markings of the wrapper are identical, but the gum itself is a worse quality.

2.    Selz Soda
The bright orange packaging and use of the word "Soda" made me think this would be like a root beer barrel, but orange flavor.  I was puzzled when I opened the wrapper and found what looked for all the world like a eucalyptus cough drop. 

It was a white, almost silvery color, dusted lightly with corn starch.  It smelled… not like food.  It had barely any detectable odor.  Sniffing it closely (I have never had to sniff candy closely - that's a bad sign, methinks) I caught the faint whiff of… band aid, maybe.  Or plastic.  It might have been the scent of the wrapper, transferred to the candy.

With the greatest reservations, I reluctantly placed it in my mouth.  A faint sweetness, with a bland fruitiness.  Like stale 7-Up.  In texture, much like a cough drop: crunchy and a little sticky.  Did it effervesce slightly on the tongue, or was that just a sensory error? 

Inside, a chamber filled with a small amount of syrupy fluid.

3.    Tama King Tamarindo Con Chile
There were a lot of words on the packaging, and I had difficulty figuring out which was what.  In one place it says "Jelly Fire!" which I found somewhat alarming. 

Unwrapping it, I discovered that it was a badly-wrapped lollipop.  The candy part had completely stuck to the wrapper, such that it required a great deal of perseverance to un-stick. 

I'm neutral on the subject of tamarind.  I don't love it; I don't hate it.  I think it's good in Thai food.  I'm suspicious of attempts to make it into a candy.

Even so, the form factor of this candy is a real turn-off.  It looks like a gluey turd stuck to a white lollipop stick.  I was revolted to find that it wasn't a hard lollipop, more like a rubbery substance similar to a badly-set gummy bear.  It tasted like tamarind and chili powder. 

I set it down to note my response, and it stuck to the paper.  That was all the excuse I needed to not eat the rest of it.

4.     Lucas Bom Vago
Another cryptic candy.  This came in a plastic container shaped kind of like a WWII Fat Man bomb.  The wrapper says "spicy candy with a gum," and features a cartoon anthropomorphized duck wearing a sweatshirt that says "Lucas."  Is the duck's name Lucas?  That can't be right.  I don't go around wearing a shirt that says "Erika."  (Maybe I should?) 

The duck is pressing his hands to his ears.  He looks distressed, or really surprised.  This does not bode well.

Inside I found a preposterously unappealing sight.  The lid of the candy is also a small spatula.  It digs up a chunk of the primary substance, which is a dull red, and has the texture of earwax.  A gumball is embedded in this substance. 

A tentative lick was enough to demonstrate that this is the same substance as the Turd Pop, but not on a stick.  I didn't have the wherewithal to try the gumball.