Brach's Pastel Candy Corn

Brach's Pastel Candy Corn

I knew even at the time that I shouldn't buy this bag of candy corn. But A) I was ridiculously hungry and at least 30 minutes from any potential lunch, B) Joann's Fabric and Craft had all their Easter stuff on sale, and C) I was intrigued by the burst on the packaging that said they are "made with real honey."

Honey? Yep, honey.

Candy corn is one of those candies that seemingly skates by based on looks alone. If they tried to market a plain white candy corn, no one would ever buy it. The only reason people buy candy corn is because it is festively colored. Whether it's the traditional brown-orange-yellow of Thanksgiving or the pastel pinks and blues for Easter. (They even have red, white, and blue candy corn for the 4th of July, which seems particularly shameless.)

You give candy to a little kid and they are going to eat it, obviously. And that is how you get used to eating it. And then it becomes a holiday favorite, if not a guilty pleasure. CYCLE OF VIOLENCE, PEOPLE.

Even candy corn lovers will freely confess that there is little appeal to these waxy, overly sweet little confections. The outer layer (I hesitate to call it a "shell") often gets sticky with humidity. The taste is just plain old "sweet." And the texture has nothing to recommend it. It isn't crisp, or crunchy, or chewy, or gummy. It's just… candy corn. I don't know what the heck you would call it.

Once I got out to my car, I noticed the unmistakable candy corn smell emanating from the bag. I have been disturbed recently to note how many candies you can smell through the packaging. Are they supercharging candy scents so much that the smell penetrates plastic? Are they making plastic bags with stealth perforations to release the scent, thus tempting people to buy the candy? Or - more sinister still - are they embedding the plastic bags with the candy scent?

I don't know, but I'd like to see some lab results on this question. STAT.

In the short term, I gave in to my worse instincts, and sampled some of the candy right there in the parking lot. I was hungry: so sue me. Wouldn't be the first time my diet crumbled due to poor meal planning.

To my great surprise, these were actually pretty edible. They had a perceptible honey-vanilla taste which reminded me of cream soda and of Bit 'O Honey. Although, as with regular candy corn, I found that I could only eat about ten at a time before I started to get a stomach ache.

These feature a larger kernel size than I'm used to. And yet, strangely, they each have only two colors: white, and a pastel. They made a nice enough picture, though, and would work well in an Easter arrangement.

They also feature a strange triangular shape on the side. I guess it's supposed to be some kind of leaf or shoot or something springtime-y like that. But it put me in mind of sharks' teeth.